Nightminds

last night was horrific. it was the worst thing ive experienced in a long time. i didnt sleep at all. i couldnt. i tried but all i could do was think about how fat i was and how disgusting i was. i felt like i was crawling in my skin. Literally. it was terrible. i dont think my minds ever done that to me before, well i mean, made me feel so terrible and useless that it physically HURT. i just wanted it to stop but it wouldnt. on top of that my alarm was acting up and went off every 30mins. for the WHOLE night. all i wanted to do was sleep but nothing was making that happen. i felt so irritable. that was seriously one of the worst pranks my minds done to me ever. i kept poking and pulling at the fat on my body and i just felt so gross that i didnt even want to be alive. i was going to cut to see if that would help, but seeing as im trying to stop using cutting as a way to vent, i took a shower instead at like 5 in the morning. it made me feel clean but it didnt help with how i felt. then my cat walked in my room and slept with me and comforted me for the rest of the night, like she always does when i feel horrible. i swear she has a sixth sense that tells her when i need her( i probably sound like some crazy cat lady right about now).

i have an interview for the school i want to go to today. its a performing arts school and its free so i really want to get in. just in case i didnt tell you guys before, i want to perform for a living, even though i am terrified of it, and tend to have panic attacks when i do. well, thats today, but honestly, i feel like crap. im running on no sleep, no food and severe depression. there's only one reason that i have my doubts about the school, if i get in, we have to move in with my mom's boyfriend and his to kids. not fun. i hate the town im in now, but i really dont want to move in with him. that means change. and change in that area is a bad thing. why, you may be asking?
1) they eat meals at the table. ill have to actually eat 2-3 meals a day, and alot of it.
2) i hate the vibes in his house. its like dead there. he has ocd so hes like strict with his kids about noises and messes, even though theyre 5 and 9. that will make me depressed.
3) i dont want to move in there. i couldnt stand it. my dad left when i was little so its always been me, my mom, and my sister. theres no way that i want that to change
and lastly. they fuck all the time. its gross and you can hear them. fuck me, i cant believe i just wrote that, but whatev. its true.

Also, haha this is so stupid of me but, i just noticed that im using different names for every account i have. it's ridiculous. i wish that i could change that but honestly i cant. i would use my real name but its kind of different, not rare but different, in both the name itself and how its spelled, so i cant. its not anything crazy like shaniqua or diamond (who the fuck names their kid diamond, no offense to anyone with those names though) and i want to be able to be open without fearing of someone who knows me or my parents finding out. so yeah.

oh, there may be a problem with the fast i planned today. my interviews really late so my mom said that shes just going to take me to mcdonalds because neither of us have time to cook. i dont know. im gonna go onto their website and see what has the lowest calories, because my moms not stupid. shes actually pretty intelligent, so i know i have to eat in front of her sometime. especially since my grandma told her she thought i was anorexic a while ago, and i accidently brought up my calorie intake being way to much and how it just should all go fuck itslef. yeah, that was a good idea.
                           well, this was my post for today, im gonna go on PT now and search through the discussion area. oh ps, im really starting to see my ribs again, its so cool, i miss it.           Jaime-Lynn   <3