okay, i have to post again because i feel as if i should because i havent in a while. me and ana. hmmmm... im having doubt. ya see i told my mom my biggest secret a few days ago... and no, not that im ana or that i cut, but the reason why i do it, which im not going to tell you about yet because im not ready, but it just put me into depression(which im in right now) so now im having my doubts about it, but of course its all i can think about. im on the 02468 diet right now, day 0, and i feel fine, but i dont know if ive lost weight or gained because i dont have a scale. i feel skinnier but that doesnt make sense because ive been eating like a pig lately, i had ice cream and 3/4 of a large pizza and peanuts yesterday! yeah, i suck. but i cant purge, its not for me, it doesnt feel relieving at all, it just makes me feel sick. oh and my moms putting me into counseling, this is gonna be fun.
oh! id like to tell you guys about a new interest of mine! guys! haha ive liked guys before (im straight), but now i actually want to go out with them, which i didnt ever really want to do before. i dont think that will happen though. im not cool at all, im nobody at school, my confidence is like completely down the drain and i just dont think anybody would actually want to deal with me, its not like i was planning on throwing all of my issues onto them but still, they might just dislike my vibe. i dont really like anybody though, the guys in my grade are just gross, and i dont know anybody in any other grades, except a couple guys that are in my music appreciation class but they're both seniors and well, im a freshman, and i dont think im either of their types, or that they're mine.
another thing id like to talk about is my home situation, so you can better get to know me. its just my mom, my sister and i. my moms amazing and i love her, my sisters a spoiled little brat, and i am i, the fuck up of the family. my grandma's a big part of my life, she drives me to my after school activities and does a lot for me, mainly because she lives very close. i fucking hate her though, she drives me insane, every time im around her she makes me want to kill myself " your getting pudgy.. i only weighed 100 pds when i graduated high school... a figure eight body is the perfect body,..your really weird " i want her to drop dead. and i think she will soon. as for my dad, i hate him. hes nice and very funny but hes mental, my mom said that he has "personality disorder" and that he cant help that he is they way he is ( smokes pot, shoots defenseless animals, is gross, has been married several times, cant keep a promise, ect, ect, ect). he lives an hour away from us and he left when my sister was born, when i was 3. he wasnt ever a big part of my life, i saw him 2 a year, during summer and spring vacation, and honestly i wish that i didnt have to see him at all.but now he wants to be apart of my life. fuck no. thats not how it works, you dont get to decide when your ready to see your kid after theyve been born. oh and my moms white and my dads black and hes muslim, so i still believe that my grandmother hated my birth. my mom doesnt regret having me though, even though she had me at a young age (she was 20). thats another reason why i hate my grandmother, she believes strongly in stereotypes. i hate that. and she only thinks of things and how theyll affect her, i hate it.
im sorry that this turned into an angry post, it wasnt meant to be, that just happens when i talk about my dad and grandmother.
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