dreams and goals

i dreamed for the first time in a long time last night and the night before that. the first night i had a dream that me and everyone at my lunch table and the guy that i like, lets call him brent, went to a ski resort. it was all cute and lollita styled (mind my spelling). when we got there we then went onto a lifter upper thing and fell off, me and brent then ended up rolling down a hill and when we stopped rolling we kissed. it was a really cutesy dream. i like it. then the other night i had a bad dream. let me give you some background history about me and my grandmothers relationship first...

i love her. i truly do. i love her as much as humanly possible. its just that, shes hypocritical. intensely. and she has mental issues but she refuses to believe it. those words are my moms not mine. well anyways. she always criticizes everything. EVERYTHING! and if it doesnt go in favor of her she hates it! truly, its amazing how much animosity she has towards everything(she thinks the worlds out to get her, literally). that being said, she also has an issues with my weight. she thinks im to fat, but then accuses me of being anorexic to my mother. but if you could ever see her, shes the skinniest person you'll ever meet. she never eats. i tell her to and she gives me a weird ass look. her legs are the size of my arms. its repulsive because its not attractive on her seeing that shes a 60 something year old saggy lady who doesnt take care of yourself. i have a lot of resentment towards her. mainly because she's the only person to ever comment negatively about my weight. to be honest. she kinda caused it. well, now that you know that, i can go on with my dream/story.well ill tell you what i remember of it.

we were at her house and she commented on my weight and i snapped back at her. then it skipped over to the grocery store and she was buying low cal healthy foods(which would never happen because when she does eat she eats like crap). then it skipped to her house again and she was on PT and found my account! then she then found all the rest of my hidden things! then i woke up in a panic.

i know that was a sketchy description but thats all i could remember. dear god it would be terrible if anyone ever found out. id die. actually id kill myself, but still. my life would be over either way.


okay, now time to tell you what my goals are. first of, id like to tell you that i am a theravada buddhist. now, with that being said, i want to become more spiritual. i hardly ever make an attempt to practice it or even just think about it once in a while. but that needs to change because i really do believe in it and my karmas been catching up to me lately so, yeah. also, my goal weight. 69 pounds. thats it. thats my ultimate goal weight.

i dont think ive told you before but im obsessed with numbers. its why im fond of anorxia. numbers. i know for some people its the control. but for me, its the numbers. i like them. i like having them at my dispense. i think theyre lovely. especially numbers that are divisible by 3. 33. 69. 12. 15. 24. 96. i think you understand. im a tad crazy. but nobody knows this. except for you, now, i guess. my secrets no longer a secret. but i still have plenty more. ill share them with you in due time. but for now, i wish that you will stay merry and alive. bye lovelies                                                      Jaime-Lynn <3

An Explanation

im sorry for my disappearance. i failed the abc diet. ive decided that im not going to do any major diets until march. at the beginning of march im going to start the abc diet again, and it will be a success. you see, i was reading an article by Self magazine and said that it takes 66  days to form a habit. and if you havent really read my earlier posts, my habit has been binging one day, then fasting the next. its been like this for months. so ive been stuck in this habit for a while now. so its obviously gonna be hard to go from that, to crazy restricting. im going to use the next 5 and a half weeks to get on the right track. i.e. setting daily calorie amounts and sticking to them.

so, i know 5 and a half weeks isnt exactly 66 days, but its good enough, by that point i think i should be good to start the diet without failing. im planning a sticking semi-high calorie throughout the next 5 weeks though. i really dont want to binge. i think the most ill have is 1,200 and the least, well 0. ill be fine as long as i dont binge. and ive found my new thinspiration! i found him on PT a few nights ago and hes just sooooo inspiring to me. and hott haha. im glad that i have him mow, he makes it so much easier to not binge.

oh, and also, i want to put up little tabs that have sections, such as thinspo and tips and the foods that i should be eating but never do because im a failure and just fuck everything up.ya know, things like that. unfortunately, unlike everyone else my age im NOT technologically savvy, but as soon as i figure that out, it's gonna be done.

im just saying this because i need to remind myself. JAIME-LYNN! you may be moving after this school year and if you do, do you want the people at your school now to remember you as that fat shy girl who doesnt talk to anyone who cuts all over her arm or, do you want to be remembered as that extremely pretty skinny girl who was amazingly strong? just saying. and when you go to your new school(if i got accepted which i probably wont because i sucked at my audition) do you want to go there and be "the fat girl" or "the beautiful mysterious skinny girl". once again. just saying. im glad that i just reconfirmed why i want to be thin. im 97 fucking pounds. im disgusting.

                                                  stay beautiful my friends, Jaime-Lynn <3

Oh God, Peoples Prepare Yourself

Im having a planned binge day. im starting the ABC diet and im going to stick to it so im doing this mostly guilt free. its a good day though. im gonna just eat like a normal person today. so far ive had a digestive cookie, pretzels, animal crackers and fake cheese, but im having shepherds pie later on and im going to the movies so, popcorn? well, thats it. i hope your not dissappointed in me. cuz im not.

                                                                                          Jaime-Lynn <3

fail

okay, so we went out to eat, and instead of being smart and ordering a salad, i got onion rings, fries, and a triple chocolate cake. yeah i know. im fat. worthless. weak. shameful. disgusting. hopeless. im sorry guys. im trying not to be. i cant wait for monday when i can start the ABC diet. its gonna be good. and im actually gonna stay on it. because if i dont im liable to kill myself for all the reasons i just listed.the worst part is that i wasnt even hungry i hadnt eaten all day either. i blow.

 wish me luck for tomorrow and hope that im strong?                      Jaime-Lynn <3

Hmmmmmmm

i dont know what to write, but i feel like writing. i feel like i write a lot compared to the people i follow on here, but whatev. todays okay. my mood is like ehhh and i havent eaten at all but i think ill have to later because were going out to eat. im going 2 try to look up the nutrition facts for wherever we may go before we go so that i can see what has the least amount of fat, calories, carbs, protein, sugars. you know. stuff that could make me potentially gain and not lose. ive been really stressed lately though with school and basically life in general so i know my weight loss this week wont be that great. i hate being stressed because i know its harder to lose weight when you are, but then i start stressing about that haha. its an endless cycle of stress

i feel like writing about this and i dont know why. okay, it's story time. there's this girl in my town, we'll call her peggy, and she used to be really chunky, like truly, really really chunky, but not fat. well anyways, she has a bit of anger management issues, and shes bipolar and she like to "speak her mind" so she got expelled from my school and sent to a school that was more suited for her. a few months ago she added me on facebook and of course i accepted. well  i was going through my news feed and i saw a pic of her in a sports bra and underwear that just blew me away! she's freaking mega skinny now! her stomachs flatter than mine! i was like totally shocked so i read like the 150 comments and people were like, " you really need to gain weight" and they were like "put some meat on ur body" but the guys were saying that she looked amazing and she was like "well now that im skinny i might as well show it off".
well? is anyone thinking what im thinking? she lost so much weight in so little time, and her good friends and ya know, people were telling her she needed to gain weight, and she was very proud of herself. haha this is amazing. she is know the first person in my town that i think is anorexic. im excited. but i never talk to her because shes to spastic for me and i dont think i would be able to stand being around her when shes like moody. i know thats mean but its true. oh, and then she made the pic her profile picture. yeah. just saying.


                                   well, its been fun, stay pretty, skinny and bitchy        Jaime-Lynn

It's Kind of A Funny Story

not really! haha but i feel stupid. i just figured something out! they calculate your weight differently when your a child and when you're an adult. ive been measuring mine the adault weigh! which is quite a difference from the childrens way. it turns out that my BMI's actually 18.9! that's WAY less than19.7. well, just wanted to share seeing that im always talking about BMI and how i love it.
                                      chow         Jaime-Lynn

tHiNsPiRaTiOn!!!

hey guys, this is thinpo that's suited for me, i really like it, and most of its real because im short and will never be long or amazingly pretty like the models. haha so.. here it is

these are all definitely within my reach, and i plan to look like them with 2 months? im not setting an exact date because that will only lead to failure, but i do want this before summer. oh, and if you didnt see, i just added a profile picture of myself. my hairs crazy and im all like blah but, i figured that i should add one and that was the first to come up in my phone. so its definitely recent(i took it yesterday or the day before that).
 oh, and id like to mention that i only had 35 calories yesterday from a sprite that i drank in the monring, so yeah. i feel good.

well, i have to get back to doing nothing because of another snow day                Jaim-Lynn <3

Good News and Bad News

okay, the good news, i lost 2 pounds. i weighed myself yesterday, RIGHT after i ate. im 97 pounds now. haha, that means my bmi is 19.4. sweet. im so close to 19.0 that i can almost taste it. im so happy right now. and my collar bones are protruding like crazy today. sweet.

okay, now for the bad news. i binged yesterday. im sorry to let anyone down. ill explain, and this isnt an excuse for me being weak, i know i am. here goes, i fucked up my "demonstration" for the school i wanted to go to. i went into the room with a group of maybe 15 others that wanted to, also, go to the school as singers, and as soon as i walked in i forgot the song. then i was called on to sing and had a panic attack, didnt sing the song, and ran to the bathroom and puked. yeah it was great. then they gave me a second chance and i blew it again. 

Now for the really suckish news!!!! i failed physics. my teacher hates me and said i missed to many days so he gave me a 60 in his class. of course he told me this before class started so i was crying the whole class and the next period, but i calmed down for lunch.

oh, i also saw my therapist for the first time today. she doesnt know im anorexic and she wont ever know. it went okay, she acted like i was stupid though, she talked to me slowly and like i was 5. i dont blame her though, when im nervous i laugh. A LOT. its ridiculous and i know but i just cant help it. i really wish i could. .             well, thats all the news i have for today my lovelies.            Jaime-Lynn <3      

Nightminds

last night was horrific. it was the worst thing ive experienced in a long time. i didnt sleep at all. i couldnt. i tried but all i could do was think about how fat i was and how disgusting i was. i felt like i was crawling in my skin. Literally. it was terrible. i dont think my minds ever done that to me before, well i mean, made me feel so terrible and useless that it physically HURT. i just wanted it to stop but it wouldnt. on top of that my alarm was acting up and went off every 30mins. for the WHOLE night. all i wanted to do was sleep but nothing was making that happen. i felt so irritable. that was seriously one of the worst pranks my minds done to me ever. i kept poking and pulling at the fat on my body and i just felt so gross that i didnt even want to be alive. i was going to cut to see if that would help, but seeing as im trying to stop using cutting as a way to vent, i took a shower instead at like 5 in the morning. it made me feel clean but it didnt help with how i felt. then my cat walked in my room and slept with me and comforted me for the rest of the night, like she always does when i feel horrible. i swear she has a sixth sense that tells her when i need her( i probably sound like some crazy cat lady right about now).

i have an interview for the school i want to go to today. its a performing arts school and its free so i really want to get in. just in case i didnt tell you guys before, i want to perform for a living, even though i am terrified of it, and tend to have panic attacks when i do. well, thats today, but honestly, i feel like crap. im running on no sleep, no food and severe depression. there's only one reason that i have my doubts about the school, if i get in, we have to move in with my mom's boyfriend and his to kids. not fun. i hate the town im in now, but i really dont want to move in with him. that means change. and change in that area is a bad thing. why, you may be asking?
1) they eat meals at the table. ill have to actually eat 2-3 meals a day, and alot of it.
2) i hate the vibes in his house. its like dead there. he has ocd so hes like strict with his kids about noises and messes, even though theyre 5 and 9. that will make me depressed.
3) i dont want to move in there. i couldnt stand it. my dad left when i was little so its always been me, my mom, and my sister. theres no way that i want that to change
and lastly. they fuck all the time. its gross and you can hear them. fuck me, i cant believe i just wrote that, but whatev. its true.

Also, haha this is so stupid of me but, i just noticed that im using different names for every account i have. it's ridiculous. i wish that i could change that but honestly i cant. i would use my real name but its kind of different, not rare but different, in both the name itself and how its spelled, so i cant. its not anything crazy like shaniqua or diamond (who the fuck names their kid diamond, no offense to anyone with those names though) and i want to be able to be open without fearing of someone who knows me or my parents finding out. so yeah.

oh, there may be a problem with the fast i planned today. my interviews really late so my mom said that shes just going to take me to mcdonalds because neither of us have time to cook. i dont know. im gonna go onto their website and see what has the lowest calories, because my moms not stupid. shes actually pretty intelligent, so i know i have to eat in front of her sometime. especially since my grandma told her she thought i was anorexic a while ago, and i accidently brought up my calorie intake being way to much and how it just should all go fuck itslef. yeah, that was a good idea.
                           well, this was my post for today, im gonna go on PT now and search through the discussion area. oh ps, im really starting to see my ribs again, its so cool, i miss it.           Jaime-Lynn   <3 

Hey Look! Another Post!

hi, again. i've calmed down since my last post. my mom right next to me and im writing this. i feel so bad ass lolz. but anyways, i've decided to fast tomorrow, for good luck at the school im applying to. im so nervous. i completely forgot about it until like just right now(my mom just reminded me). i hope the fast truly is good luck because im going to need it. im a wreck right now. im kind of too out of it to care about the interview right now though. my mind's more on my weight, and how it NEEDS to drop. 19.8. my BMI is 19.8. before i ate, i wrote my bmi OBSESSIVELY over and over again in my food diary. haha, thats probably why i only had 2 pieces of broccoli and 3 pieces of pasta. okay. i think im done with blogspot for the night. sorry this was also a short post.
                    jaime-lynn <3

I'll Be Damned if I'm not 80 Pounds by the End of this School Year

i fucking HATE myself right now! i keep over eating!!! i can feel fat on my stomach. and my rib bones on my chest just started showing again. This is great, i just want to die. it's the same thing every time. Animal Crackers. how pathetic is that?! ANIMAL CRACKERS!!!! i swear they have like a shit load of msg in them, because i dont usually get stuck on one food(besides toast). ugh. reality check j-lynn. you need to be lenient. i'm to strict with myself. i said four crackers. 30 calories. but of course i wanted more and that got me to eat like a ton. so ive probably eaten 700-1000 calories today. thats just wonderful. this is like 3 days now of over-eating. im sorry this was such a short and angry post. i hope my next will be with better news.
                               jaime-lynn <3

Rambling for 15 minutes to Distract Myself from Eating

HEY GUY!!!!! i feel rather  blah today but also relatively happy. i have 14 minutes left until i can eat, which is why i'm writing right now. im distracting myself. i dont know why i'm distracting myself, because honestly, i'm quite strong today. oh, and i'm on right now because, once again, there's no school. i've spent the whole day lying in my mother's bed, reading peoples' blogs, giong on PT, and looking up thinspo. what a fucking life!!!! haha, it's seriously starting to really take control of me now. i'm kind of scared. but i love it at the same time.

BMI. i wish that when people referred to their weight that it would always be in BMI form. i've noticed while on PT that people put their weight but not their height, or they put their weight and height, but it's in kilograms. and i truly just dont understand kg. i like weight is in BMI because i can compare it to mine (mine is 19.8). 4 minutes until i can eat.

There's something that i noticed while reading someones blog today. It was perfect. she had everything neatly catagorized and labeled. i loved it. i can't do that to my blog yet because i truly just don't know how to do anything besides post. it wasn't just the way the blog was set up, but the way she like had everything, even how she kept track of food, exercise, ect. it was perfect. she said in the blog that she had OCD but i thought it was absolutely perfect. i like how she had her food and and chores and stuff. i was in a point system. a wonderful, wonderful point system. i think i'm going to borrow that idea from her. and sense i've just babbled about how amazing her blog is, i figure that i should put a link toHer Fabulous Blog. her name is Sarah by the way.

Well, it seems that i have been  able to ramble aimlessly through my hunger pains. it's actually 7 minutes past the time that i was planning to eat at, cool. well, i'll probably blog later on today, if i have time. i have a research paper due, and piano, and my chores. but i'll probably get back to you all some time later today. Too Da Loo lovelies         Jaime-Lynn

national holidays

             gawd i hate them. i hate being home all day. it makes it soooo hard not to eat. i being the weak loser i am caved to eating. everything was going well, but then i said to myself " you cant ignore these hunger pains, they mean something, you have to eat before you starve yourself to death". i actually said that. not literally but still. it wasn't my stomach speaking for me, it was  my conscience  it was the weirdest thing. but i now officially hate it until it gets on the same page as me and ana. guess what it was that i succumbed to, toast with jelly! TOAST WITH JELLY! 115 calories. but then i had a pb+j and that was about 255 and then i had a cookie, which was 70. thats a total of 440 calories and its only 12:30. this is absolutely great :(.

Damn freakin toast

          ive decided that im going too start the ABC diet for the first time in my life next week. it doesnt sound that bad, but its probably gonna suck ass. im going to stick with it though. i totally forgot about my counselor on thursday and i have an interview for the school i want to go to. i don't want to look or feel weak for either of those. but im sad that i didnt stick to my 2-4-6-8 diet.
well, for now, i guess ill eat like a normal human being and just journal what i ate. then start dieting again on monday yay!               LoVe Jaime-Lynn <3

Motivation and Problems

         i found my motivation... besides the obvious wanting to be skinny. Thomas. ive made him my inspiration. i was watching thinspo's last night and came across a couple's thinspo called thin for him, and it just clicked! he's my motivation, because people haven't been pissing me off to much lately and i need a new drive.
oh, i don't think i've ever told you guys my stats before, height: 5'0     cw:99-97    hw:100     lw:90     gw:90
ugw: 80-75          As you can see i'm definitely pushing the scales. it's disgusting. when i sit i can feel my stomach fold. i hate it.

        were any of you watching the golden globes last night? or well, have you been watching t.v. in general? i saw a commercial for loreal and it was advertising some product called the youth code something... well anyways, in the commercial there were like models that had the most beautiful faces and they were trying to show that the product made your skin more firm so they like grabbed their cheeks and pinched the fat. i do that all the time. i wanted to shout out that i do that all the time but my mom and her boy friend were with me. idont know. i just love that commercial. its now my favorite. and there's a chevy commercial that i like, with like people from like the 40's or 50's.

        okay, now for my problems. i made an ana book a while ago. months ago actually, and i just hid it under the couch in the den room. everything was fine. nobody ever looked under the couch because the only one down there is my sister. well, during x-mas break, i went down there and the book was closed shut on the floor, next to my sister and cousin. i asked them if they opened it and, of course, they said no. i didnt fucking believe them for a second, but i grabbed the book and ran out of the room. a few minutes later my cousin came to the door and asked if she could have some magazines and cut some pictures out of them. i asked her why and she made up some lame ass excuse, but of course, i let her. then  later, she came up to me and asked if i wanted to work out, and again, i said yes. i didnt really care much because i had the book and they didnt anymore. but i didnt reallt find it funny that they took it and were pretending to be anorexic. ITS A FUCKING MENTAL ILLNESS!!!! it's not a joke, and it's not something you want.
the reason i brought that up was because last week my sister started counting calories, and working out like crazy, and there were a ton of pics of models(not very thin ones may i add) in her room. now, my sister's not a stick in any way, she's pushing obese. she never cared before until last week, and i was wondering what it was about because she never really cared about her weight before.
well today, at about 6:15 in the fucking morning, i found out why. she took my fucking ana book. the book that holds all my secrets, and all my fears, the book that is the real me. i had it hidden away in my room really well, and she, like the snooping bitch she is, went in my room and looked around and took it.
im fucking dead. i asked my mom if she saw the book and she hasn't, so i know she didn't take it. the only person that would have is my sister. i just tore her room apart looking for it but i couldn't find it. then i tore the den apart looking for it but still couldn't find it. and i know that i didn't misplace it because i try not to touch it(it's truly my biggest trigger, i dont think i'd eat for weeks if i kept it out).
i don't know what to do. this is going to be the death of me. i called her and she didnt answer, probably because it's so early, so im going to call later and tell her that i'll kill her if she doesnt give it back. if she ever gets mad at me and uses that against me... my mom will send me to a clinic. and im not ready for that.
well, wish me the best, jaime-lynn

The Pats Game

in honor of the patriots game that aired today, my mom decided that we should go to are town sandwich shop for brunch(weird i know). i was set on not getting anything.... i didnt order anything but a drink.my mom on the other hand ordered a sub FILLED with a bunch of shit and then got onion rings and a coke. i told her i couldnt eat because i didnt know if the bread was vegan. after that she told me that i couldnt be vegan because i was going to starve myself to death. THAT'S THE FUCKING POINT MOTHER!!!! of course i didnt say that but i soooooo wanted to. i just agreed with her. after i go to college it will be all good and ill get to control what i eat.
well anyways, we were in the car and she was like "here have an onion ring". of course i couldnt refuse because she knew i hadnt eaten. that one ended up being like five or six. then, while we were at her job she gave me a dollar and told me to go by something. i was going to just keep the dolllar and tell her i ate, but then her co-workers were in the lunch room and they were all like "come! come eat with us!" and i couldnt say no. that would be rued. so i ate a bag of cookies. 280 calories. the drink was 240. the onion rings. i dont want to know. and the five pieces of pizza i just shoveled into my mouth. im fucking grose.
i wish i could purge. id probably feel a lot better about this if i could.
thats always what i think.after i eat a lot. i feel like i should go throw it up. but i cant. its not as relieving as i ever think it's going to be. so i dont.and nothing ever comes up.
well, now that i've just failed myself... AGAIN... im going to go finish watching the golden globes, and go to sleep with a full stomach. again. what a fucking life.
jaime-lynn

fishy 2

my fish just died. i just decided to name him a few hours ago, i named him jeremiah. but i guess that doesn't matter know. i just spent an hour crying my eyes out and all my mom did was laugh at me. he had blue eyes. thats why i was crying. because his eyes were blue but while he was dying they turned pale white. and he kept getting puled towards the filter and the current of the water was pushing him around. he was breathing so hard trying to stay alive but it was hopeless. he was basically already dead. and i couldnt do anything. i couldnt help him at all.
the whole time my fish was dying all i could think about was tom, and how i wanted him there, and how he would never be. i realize now that it's when you start to love some one, they have to go. nothing is good for ever. it would be against my religion if things were good for forever. i just wish that things were. but if things were always great i wouldnt be me. i wouldnt be thinking about what it would be like if me and tom were together. i wouldnt always be worried. i wouldnt have an eating disorder. who would i be if the world was perfect? who would any of us be?
jaime-lynn

My Favorite Blog?

That's easy. letters from ana. i love it. i mean i know there's really no point in writing this because its not like anybody reads it, but, im just saying its amazing. she's amazing. her writing, its amazing also. i think i love it lolz.
well, now that i've told you that, id like you to know that the girl who writes it, nikki (thats what she goes by), is very inspiring to me. i dont actually know anyone personally who's anorexic, or at least to my knowledge they're not, so she truely is amazing to me.
on another topic, do any of you know those super super skinny girls? the girls who are so small they can barely fit a double zero and yet they eat like fucking pigs? ya know? they piss me off. i want to be them. i want to be naturally skinny. i guess i am by all normal means, but to me, im definitely not.  i wish i could be them, not with the whole eating like a pig part without gaining weight, but i just want to be naturally skinny. i feel depressed when i think about them. i dont know why. i think it's because i strive so hard to be them but i just cant get there. well, i could if i would just stop succumbing to food. but i dont think thats going to happen.
so... ive decided to take a break from ana. and i know that doesnt make sense, but i mean that im gonna stop restricting for a week, but still keep a notebook of what i eat. im going to the therapist soon and i need to gain weight. people always comment on my weight and i cant go to rehab. id fucking kill myself. i dont want to though. i dont want to gain weight. but i know it's better in the long run, so for know, if it's what i have to do so me and ana can stay friends, its what i will do.
well, cheers my lovelies           jaime-lynn <3

promises

from ana,
let's make promises shall we jaime lynn? i promise to be your best friend, the one you can confide in, the one you can trust. in return, i ask that you keep your initial promise you made to me months ago? do you remember it? you said that you would go from a size 1 to a size 00 by the time the school year ends. you said that you wouldn't betray me with food and friends. you said you would love me above all. do you remember that? well, you better. from now on you will keep these promises and i shall keep mine.
sincerely, ana

making up for lost time

okay, i have to post again because i feel as if i should because i havent in a while. me and ana. hmmmm... im having doubt. ya see i told my mom my biggest secret a few days ago... and no, not that im ana or that i cut, but the reason why i do it, which im not going to tell you about yet because im not ready, but it just put me into depression(which im in right now) so now im having my doubts about it, but of course its all i can think about. im on the 02468 diet right now, day 0, and i feel fine, but i dont know if ive lost weight or gained because i dont have a scale. i feel skinnier but that doesnt make sense because ive been eating like a pig lately, i had ice cream and 3/4 of a large pizza and peanuts yesterday! yeah, i suck. but i cant purge, its not for me, it doesnt feel relieving at all, it just makes me feel sick. oh and my moms putting me into counseling, this is gonna be fun.
oh! id like to tell you guys about a new interest of mine! guys! haha ive liked guys before (im straight), but now i actually want to go out with them, which i didnt ever really want to do before. i dont think that will happen though. im not cool at all, im nobody at school, my confidence is like completely down the drain and i just dont think anybody would actually want to deal with me, its not like i was planning on throwing all of my issues onto them but still, they might just dislike my vibe. i dont really like anybody though, the guys in my grade are just gross, and i dont know anybody in any other grades, except a couple guys that are in my music appreciation class but they're both seniors and well, im a freshman, and i dont think im either of their types, or that they're mine.
another thing id like to talk about is my home situation, so you can better get to know me. its just my mom, my sister and i. my moms amazing and i love her, my sisters a spoiled little brat, and i am i, the fuck up of the family. my grandma's a big part of my life, she drives me to my after school activities and does a lot for me, mainly because she lives very close. i fucking hate her though, she drives me insane, every time im around her she makes me want to kill myself " your getting pudgy.. i only weighed 100 pds when i graduated high school... a figure eight body is the perfect body,..your really weird " i want her to drop dead. and i think she will soon. as for my dad, i hate him. hes nice and very funny but hes  mental, my mom said that he has "personality disorder" and that he cant help that he is they way he is ( smokes pot, shoots defenseless animals, is gross, has been married several times, cant keep a promise, ect, ect, ect). he lives an hour away from us and he left when my sister was born, when i was 3. he wasnt ever a big part of my life, i saw him 2 a year, during summer and spring vacation, and honestly i wish that i didnt have to see him at all.but now he wants to be apart of my life. fuck no. thats not how it works, you dont get to decide when your ready to see your kid after theyve been born. oh and my moms white and my dads black and hes muslim, so i still believe that my grandmother hated my birth. my mom doesnt regret having me though, even though she had me at a young age (she was 20). thats another reason why i hate my grandmother, she believes strongly in stereotypes. i hate that. and she only thinks of things and how theyll affect her, i hate it.
im sorry that this turned into an angry post, it wasnt meant to be, that just happens when i talk about my dad and grandmother.

SNOW!!!!

ITS SNOWING! i love snow. i love it more than anything in the world. i went outside tiday and just laid in the snow in only shorts and a tee shirt... it was lovely. 12 to 18 inches of snow is coming and im excited, im like knee deep in it!
as for why i havent been on in so long... ive been grounded. yeah. its very fun. but im here again to fill you in on my wonderful life. id like to start by telling you about the guy im in love with... ill put it in story form :)
      once upon a time in a middle school full of a bunch of pricks and dicks there was a boy and a girl. the girl liked the boy but the boy, thomas, didnt pay any mind to her, until the second to last year of middle school. they started sitting together at lunch and hanging out and then tom realized that he liked the girl but didnt tell her. in their last year of middle school their non- relationship got more serious and they both wanted to be together but they couldnt. the problem was that he couldnt stay with one girl and she only wanted him. besides that they were academically unfit, for she was in the "smart" class and he was in the "slow but average" class. because of these drawbacks they never did have a relationship. further into the year tom told the girl he was leaving to move in with his move in blah blah blah land, the girl was devastated and the boy could tell, so the day before he moved they hung out and he finally told her he loved her. then he left in his not so majestic chariot and she never saw him again.
i felt as if it was important that i told you about him because i love him, and he keeps reappearing into my life every so often and it puts me into insane depression. like yesterday, when he hacked my facebook account and wrote that i loved him and always would, changed my prof. pic. to a terrible pic of us, and then put that we were in a relationship. i hate him. i love him. i have no clue how i feel about him but he knows that ill always love him and keeps reminding me every so often. which i hate
as for my eating habits. ive decided to become a vegan both for ana and for my believes that animals should not treated as they are by large companies (such as tyson and perdue). so yeah. i think thats all the ranting ill do today.
(btw im  not in middle school im a freshman in highscool) :)