haha hello, i made a mistake in my last post. it was my weekend that was bad(because i was with my family the whole time). monday was okay, i had 390 calories. yesterday i had 466 which was less than i thought i would want so thats cool. and today, i havent eaten yet but im going to.

             theres way to many snow days. i havent been to school at all this week because of them. and because im trying to skip the 9th grade, but that doesnt seem to be working. ive missed my max. amount of days so i cant miss anymore which sucks, and my mom wont take me to the doctors so i can get a doctors note. blah, ive done nothing for the past two weeks and it sucks and its boring, but i did get a new texting buddy which is cool, because my other one is kinda slackin'. thats all i have to say for today. tomorrow i think ill have school so maybe something interesting will happen? lets hope.
 oh, and thanks to my new followers, youve completely made my day! 

                                                                                                          Jaime-Lynn <3

Yo

hallo again. i havent been on for two days and im usually on here all the time. ive missed my little blog :3 well anyways, i dont have much to say. its a snow day and i have spare time soooo PT and blogspot were the first things that came to mind. yesterday i had 390 calories. ugh. i gross myself out, but im kinda proud. the days before that werent so great though, i had to eat because i was with my family the whole time. im kinda hungry today so i guess ill eat. i think my calorie max. today will be 630 to 690. i know its a lot but im hungry, and if i try to do less than that right now, ill end up going on an insane binge. well, thats all for now.

                                                                        Jaime-Lynn <3

dreams and goals

i dreamed for the first time in a long time last night and the night before that. the first night i had a dream that me and everyone at my lunch table and the guy that i like, lets call him brent, went to a ski resort. it was all cute and lollita styled (mind my spelling). when we got there we then went onto a lifter upper thing and fell off, me and brent then ended up rolling down a hill and when we stopped rolling we kissed. it was a really cutesy dream. i like it. then the other night i had a bad dream. let me give you some background history about me and my grandmothers relationship first...

i love her. i truly do. i love her as much as humanly possible. its just that, shes hypocritical. intensely. and she has mental issues but she refuses to believe it. those words are my moms not mine. well anyways. she always criticizes everything. EVERYTHING! and if it doesnt go in favor of her she hates it! truly, its amazing how much animosity she has towards everything(she thinks the worlds out to get her, literally). that being said, she also has an issues with my weight. she thinks im to fat, but then accuses me of being anorexic to my mother. but if you could ever see her, shes the skinniest person you'll ever meet. she never eats. i tell her to and she gives me a weird ass look. her legs are the size of my arms. its repulsive because its not attractive on her seeing that shes a 60 something year old saggy lady who doesnt take care of yourself. i have a lot of resentment towards her. mainly because she's the only person to ever comment negatively about my weight. to be honest. she kinda caused it. well, now that you know that, i can go on with my dream/story.well ill tell you what i remember of it.

we were at her house and she commented on my weight and i snapped back at her. then it skipped over to the grocery store and she was buying low cal healthy foods(which would never happen because when she does eat she eats like crap). then it skipped to her house again and she was on PT and found my account! then she then found all the rest of my hidden things! then i woke up in a panic.

i know that was a sketchy description but thats all i could remember. dear god it would be terrible if anyone ever found out. id die. actually id kill myself, but still. my life would be over either way.


okay, now time to tell you what my goals are. first of, id like to tell you that i am a theravada buddhist. now, with that being said, i want to become more spiritual. i hardly ever make an attempt to practice it or even just think about it once in a while. but that needs to change because i really do believe in it and my karmas been catching up to me lately so, yeah. also, my goal weight. 69 pounds. thats it. thats my ultimate goal weight.

i dont think ive told you before but im obsessed with numbers. its why im fond of anorxia. numbers. i know for some people its the control. but for me, its the numbers. i like them. i like having them at my dispense. i think theyre lovely. especially numbers that are divisible by 3. 33. 69. 12. 15. 24. 96. i think you understand. im a tad crazy. but nobody knows this. except for you, now, i guess. my secrets no longer a secret. but i still have plenty more. ill share them with you in due time. but for now, i wish that you will stay merry and alive. bye lovelies                                                      Jaime-Lynn <3

An Explanation

im sorry for my disappearance. i failed the abc diet. ive decided that im not going to do any major diets until march. at the beginning of march im going to start the abc diet again, and it will be a success. you see, i was reading an article by Self magazine and said that it takes 66  days to form a habit. and if you havent really read my earlier posts, my habit has been binging one day, then fasting the next. its been like this for months. so ive been stuck in this habit for a while now. so its obviously gonna be hard to go from that, to crazy restricting. im going to use the next 5 and a half weeks to get on the right track. i.e. setting daily calorie amounts and sticking to them.

so, i know 5 and a half weeks isnt exactly 66 days, but its good enough, by that point i think i should be good to start the diet without failing. im planning a sticking semi-high calorie throughout the next 5 weeks though. i really dont want to binge. i think the most ill have is 1,200 and the least, well 0. ill be fine as long as i dont binge. and ive found my new thinspiration! i found him on PT a few nights ago and hes just sooooo inspiring to me. and hott haha. im glad that i have him mow, he makes it so much easier to not binge.

oh, and also, i want to put up little tabs that have sections, such as thinspo and tips and the foods that i should be eating but never do because im a failure and just fuck everything up.ya know, things like that. unfortunately, unlike everyone else my age im NOT technologically savvy, but as soon as i figure that out, it's gonna be done.

im just saying this because i need to remind myself. JAIME-LYNN! you may be moving after this school year and if you do, do you want the people at your school now to remember you as that fat shy girl who doesnt talk to anyone who cuts all over her arm or, do you want to be remembered as that extremely pretty skinny girl who was amazingly strong? just saying. and when you go to your new school(if i got accepted which i probably wont because i sucked at my audition) do you want to go there and be "the fat girl" or "the beautiful mysterious skinny girl". once again. just saying. im glad that i just reconfirmed why i want to be thin. im 97 fucking pounds. im disgusting.

                                                  stay beautiful my friends, Jaime-Lynn <3

Oh God, Peoples Prepare Yourself

Im having a planned binge day. im starting the ABC diet and im going to stick to it so im doing this mostly guilt free. its a good day though. im gonna just eat like a normal person today. so far ive had a digestive cookie, pretzels, animal crackers and fake cheese, but im having shepherds pie later on and im going to the movies so, popcorn? well, thats it. i hope your not dissappointed in me. cuz im not.

                                                                                          Jaime-Lynn <3

fail

okay, so we went out to eat, and instead of being smart and ordering a salad, i got onion rings, fries, and a triple chocolate cake. yeah i know. im fat. worthless. weak. shameful. disgusting. hopeless. im sorry guys. im trying not to be. i cant wait for monday when i can start the ABC diet. its gonna be good. and im actually gonna stay on it. because if i dont im liable to kill myself for all the reasons i just listed.the worst part is that i wasnt even hungry i hadnt eaten all day either. i blow.

 wish me luck for tomorrow and hope that im strong?                      Jaime-Lynn <3

Hmmmmmmm

i dont know what to write, but i feel like writing. i feel like i write a lot compared to the people i follow on here, but whatev. todays okay. my mood is like ehhh and i havent eaten at all but i think ill have to later because were going out to eat. im going 2 try to look up the nutrition facts for wherever we may go before we go so that i can see what has the least amount of fat, calories, carbs, protein, sugars. you know. stuff that could make me potentially gain and not lose. ive been really stressed lately though with school and basically life in general so i know my weight loss this week wont be that great. i hate being stressed because i know its harder to lose weight when you are, but then i start stressing about that haha. its an endless cycle of stress

i feel like writing about this and i dont know why. okay, it's story time. there's this girl in my town, we'll call her peggy, and she used to be really chunky, like truly, really really chunky, but not fat. well anyways, she has a bit of anger management issues, and shes bipolar and she like to "speak her mind" so she got expelled from my school and sent to a school that was more suited for her. a few months ago she added me on facebook and of course i accepted. well  i was going through my news feed and i saw a pic of her in a sports bra and underwear that just blew me away! she's freaking mega skinny now! her stomachs flatter than mine! i was like totally shocked so i read like the 150 comments and people were like, " you really need to gain weight" and they were like "put some meat on ur body" but the guys were saying that she looked amazing and she was like "well now that im skinny i might as well show it off".
well? is anyone thinking what im thinking? she lost so much weight in so little time, and her good friends and ya know, people were telling her she needed to gain weight, and she was very proud of herself. haha this is amazing. she is know the first person in my town that i think is anorexic. im excited. but i never talk to her because shes to spastic for me and i dont think i would be able to stand being around her when shes like moody. i know thats mean but its true. oh, and then she made the pic her profile picture. yeah. just saying.


                                   well, its been fun, stay pretty, skinny and bitchy        Jaime-Lynn